Shadows of the Heart
by FenZev
Summary: The truth about Anders' past threatens his relationship with Hawke when a former lover goes missing. Slight AU telling of the Finding Nathaniel quest from DA2 Act 3 with flashbacks of Awakening. F!Hawke/Anders/Nathaniel. Cover image credit and spark for the story idea goes to Ekocentric.
1. Chapter 1

_**Author's note: Many thanks to Ekocentric for allowing me to use her beautiful artwork for the cover of this story, and to Erana for her creative input and title.  
**_

* * *

"Now do you see?" Hawke asked, just managing to keep the smugness from her voice. "I told you they wouldn't dare do anything to upset me."

Anders released her hand and stepped forward, eyes narrowed as he peered through the crowds of the marketplace. Hawke followed his gaze, watching as the Templar that had passed them a minute ago continued on his way without a backward glance. As soon as the Templar turned the corner Anders turned his attention back to her. "He just walked right by us," he said, the confusion plain in his voice.

Hawke shook her head and reached for his hand again with her own. "I'm the Champion of Kirkwall, Anders," she explained, and not for the first time. "It's thanks to me that this marketplace even exists. They won't dare..." her voice trailed off and she was silent for a moment. "Well, maybe it would still exist. I don't know. Do the Qunari have marketplaces, do you think? I suppose they'd have to. They have to get all their armor from _somewhere_. Or maybe they have people whose only purpose is to fulfill armor orders..."

Anders allowed himself to relax, perusing a nearby stall for weapons and tuning out the sound of Hawke's rambling voice. Ever since she'd defeated the Arishok, Hawke had been after him to spend a day in the Hightown marketplace with her, helping to outfit her group of misfits in new weapons and armor. He'd steadfastly refused her for weeks, claiming that Lowtown was far safer. The Templars would be forced to move against him if he paraded himself in front of them, he'd insisted.

Sometimes, it was nice to be wrong.

Anders picked up a small dagger from a table of wares, turning it over and running his thumb along the edge. "This would be perfect for Isabela," he said, trying to bring Hawke back around to the point of their excursion.

Hawke released his hand to pick up the second, identical dagger, holding it up to the sun. The blue decorative jewels in the hilt sparkled. "Oooh," she murmured appreciatively. "Nice catch." She turned a smile on the merchant and began to talk price.

Anders watched her charm the woman into giving her the pair of weapons for almost half the price, wondering how many times a man could fall in love with the same person. He'd never seen this side of her before. So much of their time together was spent in battle and blood. Even the quiet times spent alone in her mansion couldn't compare to seeing her amongst the people of Kirkwall. She was enchanting.

"Well, that's one down," Hawke commented with a self-satisfied smile. She opened her mouth to say something else, but was interrupted when they both heard someone call out her name. They turned as one to the source of the exclamation, Hawke's expression turning to one of bitter disappointment. "One day, Anders, I just wanted one damn day..."

Anders gave her hand a reassuring squeeze as a dark-haired woman headed towards them through the crowd. "Maybe it'll be something quick, and we can continue to pretend to be normal when we're through."

"More than for an hour, maybe?" Hawke asked, softening the bitterness of the question by smiling at him before stepped forward to meet the woman. "I'm sorry, do I know you?"

"Mistress Hawke, I apologize, but I must speak with you," the woman said in a rush. "You're the only one that can help!"

"Calm down," Hawke told her in a soothing voice. "You have my attention. What is it I can do for you?"

"The Wardens mounted an expedition to retrace your route through the Deep Roads. They wanted to explore whatever it was you found years ago. It's a fool's errand, and my poor brother is with them - Nathaniel Howe."

"Delilah?" Anders gasped. "Maker, it is you, isn't it?"

Hawke tried to ignore the way Anders immediately released her hand upon hearing Nathaniel's name. But it was harder to ignore the quiet, distant look in his eyes. The pained, sorrowful expression that veiled his face she'd seen only once before, when he spoke of Karl.

It had taken him years to get over that death, seeing someone he once loved made tranquil. But Anders had made his peace with it, had opened up his heart again for her. And, with the exception of the growing tension between mages and Templars, the two lived together in a blissful, romantic relationship. He'd spend his days in the clinic, healing and helping people, while she ran around Kirkwall assisting whomever with whatever needed doing now that she was officially their Champion.

The nights were theirs, though. He'd return to the estate, his permanent place of residence, and they'd stay up for hours. Reading, talking, making love until the sun disappeared behind the mountains. And with each morning came the promise - to return to each other the following night.

Something changed, though, the moment Delilah Howe mentioned her brother's name. "You two know each other?" Hawke asked Anders, not entirely certain she wanted to hear his answer.

"I knew Nathaniel, yes. We were in the Wardens together in Amaranthine," Anders told her.

Before her, then, Hawke realized. Before Justice. Back when Anders was carefree, relaxed, funny and not so serious. At least that's how her distant cousin, the Warden-Commander, had described him, when she'd found out Hawke and Anders were together through their correspondence. The mage that Solona Amell spoke of was far different from the one that stood beside Hawke, the one she had come to love.

"Wait. I remember you," Delilah said. "You were there the day Nathaniel first came to find me, after he'd returned to Ferelden."

Anders nodded. "Yes. It was a... difficult day for your brother, hearing the truth about his father from someone other than the Commander."

"Do you know any other details?" Hawke asked Delilah, interrupting her conversation with Anders in an attempt to get the woman back to the point. "We cleaned that place out last time we were there, why were the Wardens interested?"

Delilah continued to study Anders for a moment, as if she were going to say something else, but she refrained. "I know almost nothing," she said sadly to Hawke instead. "It was only by happenstance that I heard your name mentioned. Nathaniel never speaks about the Wardens," she added, eyes still on Anders. "After what happened at Vigil's Keep, well, my brother hasn't been the same since. He's volunteered for every suicide mission the Warden's had to offer, and yet has survived. Only this time, I fear the worst."

Hawke cast a side glance at Anders, who obviously knew whatever it was that had happened to change the man. A conversation for when Nathaniel's sister wasn't around, Hawke decided.

"We'll find him," Anders assured Delilah. "We'll leave for the Deep Roads immediately."

"We will?" Hawke asked.

Delilah didn't hear her. Instead she threw her arms around Anders. "Oh, thank you. Bring my brother home safely, please."

Anders returned her embrace, until a subtle cough from Hawke had the two pulling apart. "I have a room at the Hanged Man," Delilah told them. "Please, send word to me when my brother is safe."

Hawke watched the raven-haired woman disappear through the crowds of Hightown, disbelief forcing her feet to remain firmly where she stood. She wasn't sure exactly what had just happened. Turning to Anders, she asked, "Since when are you in a rush to go back into the Deep Roads? Didn't you swear to never return again?"

Anders reached for her hand, but Hawke stepped back out of reach. "I need to do this," he whispered. "I owe it to Nathaniel. If he's in trouble, if anything has happened to him..."

Hawke took a deep breath, bracing herself. "This history between you two," she said. "I'm not going to like it, am I?"

"It was a long time ago," Anders said dismissively. "We should get going if we're going to find him in time."

"Fine," Hawke said, more harshly than she had intended to. "I'll go see if Varric and Fenris are available. Head back to the estate and tell Bodahn to prepare to leave."

"Hawke!" Anders called to her, his tone pleading.

It pained her to walk away angry, but Hawke knew if she remained it would only result in a fight. "Time is of the essence, remember?" she said, moving in the direction of Fenris' mansion. She didn't dare look back, knowing he would be watching her. Being involved with him, Hawke knew better than anyone the amount of secrets he kept.

She just didn't like knowing he was keeping them from her.


	2. Chapter 2

Hawke rolled over to find the bed empty, Anders' side cold and undisturbed. The outline of his form shown in the flickering shadows from the fireplace, and she turned to see him gazing into the flames. "Have you not slept?" she asked, though it was more of a statement.

"My thoughts have prevented that luxury," Anders replied, failing to turn and face her. "There is much I haven't told you of Amaranthine," he continued. "Some of it I never wanted you to know."

Hawke sat up, adjusting the covers and making room on the bed for Anders to sit beside her. "I want to know," she assured him. "My anger stems from you hiding things from me, you know this. I love you."

Anders looked at her over his shoulder. "I fear your opinion of me will change when I tell you."

Hawke smiled. "I doubt that. Come," she said, patting the mattress. "Relieve yourself of this burden."

He walked over to the bed and sat beside her, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. His eyes remained fixated on the fire as he began his story. "I wasn't with the Wardens long when Nathaniel arrived. Smug, arrogant, and dangerous. He threatened Solona on more than one occasion for what she had done to his father, his family."

Hawke tried to suppress her anger. "Even after knowing what his father had done to Ferelden?"

"See that's just it, Nathaniel wasn't convinced the rumors were true," Anders continued. "He wasn't in Ferelden during the Blight. He returned from the Free Marches to find his home gone and his name tarnished forever, all because of the Grey Wardens. It was… a difficult adjustment for him. He was caught on the grounds of Vigil's Keep, imprisoned for trespassing since the Keep was now property of the Wardens. When he first met Solona, he called her a murderer, and it was clear in his eyes he lived only to kill her."

"Why would she conscript him then?" Hawke asked. "Seems it would've been easier to just take him out rather than constantly worry about him slitting her throat in the middle of the night."

"Sometimes Solona's heart was too pure for her own good," Anders said quietly. "At the time she had no family she was aware of, so they became kindred spirits almost. I didn't pay him much mind until we heard from a groundskeeper that Nathaniel had a sister, Delilah, in Amaranthine. When Nathaniel asked Solona and I to accompany him in finding her, that's when the relationship between he and I changed."

* * *

_"Nathaniel!" Delilah exclaimed as they approached. "I had feared the worst."_

_Anders watched as the newest Grey Warden embraced the small woman, a softer side of the archer he hadn't seen before. In an instant, the stoic walls Nathaniel had continued to keep up around him came crashing down. His face softened, his stance relaxed, and the only words that escaped him were of love and affection for his sister._

_"You can do better than this," Nathaniel said, glancing over his shoulder at his commander. Anders watched as Solona gave a nod, approving some unspoken request. "Come back to the estate," Nathaniel told Delilah. "Come home."_

_Her laugh surprised them all. "Oh Nathaniel, I chose this life, I adore my husband! I was so glad to get away from Father's evil - this life is so much better."_

_Nathaniel's confusion was clear in his suddenly guarded expression. For months all he had heard was the wrongs his father had committed, but a part of him never believed. Hearing such harsh words from his sister…_

_"You weren't here," Delilah said sadly. "You didn't see what he did. If you're looking for the culprit who destroyed our family you are too late, as Rendon Howe is already dead. It was him, without question."_

_No," Nathaniel said, turning his back on her. "Not you too."_

_Delilah placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. "You always did worship Father, right from when you were a little boy. But you are a man now, and there are things you need to hear."_

.✣✦✣✦✣✦✣✦✣✦✣✦✣.

_Solona had left Anders to wait for Nathaniel at the Crown and the Lion while she attended to some political business at the Chantry. When his fellow Warden entered the establishment he looked troubled, far from his usual demeanor. Anders cautiously asked, "Was it a good visit?"_

_Nathaniel sat beside him at the table in the far corner of the inn. "She said she wants me to return," Nathaniel replied. "Meet her husband. She is even with child, due in the spring. She seems… happy."_

_Anders leaned forward, resting his hands on the table. "And yet you look as if your world is crumbling," he commented._

_"In a way it has," Nathaniel responded. "She said Father deserved to die. I always thought he had his reasons. It was war, for Andraste's sake. Before I left for the Free Marches, he was never… how can one person change so much?"_

_"Sometimes you just don't know a person," Anders offered. "Or when they are placed in impossible situations, they do the unthinkable."_

_"No," Nathaniel said. "Do not try to justify his actions. I have done so for so long, and there is nothing that could've been so terrible as to wipe out the Couslands, conspire to kill the Grey Wardens, turn his back on our people, our country!" He slammed a fist on the table. "If I hadn't left, I might have even helped him, Maker forgive me."_

_Anders placed his hand on Nathaniel's. "You can not blame yourself for not knowing. Sometimes we are too blind to see the worst in those we love the most."_

_"I am just like him," Nathaniel continued, lost in his own thoughts. "I returned here with nothing but a vengeful heart, prepared to do exactly what my father tried to do. Kill every Warden who stood between me and Solona, the one who took his life. Now I wish she had decided to let me die in that dungeon. I am no better than he, truly my father's son."_

_"You are nothing like Rendon Howe," Anders insisted, squeezing Nathaniel's hand. "I have no doubt had you been here, you would have tried to make him see reason. For all your bravado you have too kind a heart to end up ever becoming as he was."_

_Nathaniel stared at their clasped hands. "How can you be so sure?"_

_"We are not much different, you and I," Anders began. "You are hated because of your family name and I am hated for being a mage, yet neither of us had a choice in the matter. But instead of wallowing in self pity you've tried to better your name, as I hope one day to better the opinion of mages. As not all Howe's are treacherous traitors and murderers, not all mages are abominations or blood mages."_

_"Do you think such change is possible?" Nathaniel asked. "For either of us?"_

_"I like to believe we have begun doing so already, just by being Wardens, and helping fight this fight," Anders said. "It's not perfect, but it's a start."_

* * *

"That was the most Nathaniel and I had ever spoken since we met," Anders told Hawke. "It was the start of many conversations, many nights talking about our struggles with doing what's right in spite of how the world saw us."

"A strong foundation for a friendship," Hawke stated, seeing the parallel between their lives.

Anders nodded. "Besides Solona, there was another mage Warden with us, Velanna, but her and I never got along. She had such a chip on her shoulder, she and I could never be friends. And as much as I adored Solona she was my Commander, and didn't have time for idle chatter, now the one in charge of the politics in Amaranthine as well. The two dwarves and I had little in common, and at first, being around Justice was just awkward with him possessing a corpse and all, so that left Nathaniel and I. Some might say it was inevitable that we ended up as close as we were."

"And how did you end up that close?" Hawke asked. "Was it hours of late night chatting like you and I? Or was there some event that caused you to cross the friendship line?"

"There was never any flirting between us," Anders told her. "I wasn't even aware Nathaniel had any interest in me, in that way. It wasn't until we re-visited the Blackmarsh after acquiring Justice that things between us had changed forever."


	3. Chapter 3

"'Changed forever'," Hawke echoed. "You make it sound so ominous."

Anders continued to stare into the fire. "It was. Or, at least, it ended that way." He paused for a moment, gathering his thoughts. "Relationships of any kind were always frowned on in the Circle. Up until then I'd had very few people I was close to, friend or otherwise. What Nathaniel and I shared… it meant something to me. He was a companion, a brother, and the closest I'd ever come, at the time, to a soul-mate."

"That sounds fairly intense," Hawke commented.

Anders shrugged. "Justice may have amplified it, but my passions have always been my own. I was better at hiding it back then, of course, thanks to the Templars. I pretended to take nothing seriously, and most people didn't bother to look deeper. Karl discovered otherwise, as my lover. Nathaniel, as my friend."

"Until the Blackmarsh," Hawke prompted.

Anders nodded. "That was the beginning of the physical side," he confirmed. "I certainly hadn't seen it coming, though…"

* * *

_"My father used to tell me stories about the Blackmarsh," Nathaniel told Anders, as they walked along the wooded path. "He said evil magic killed everyone here. This was just before the rebellion, and a great mystery at the time. Once the monsters appeared, the marsh was abandoned. And now here I stand, and it seems so peaceful."_

_"It wasn't easy cleaning this place out," Anders said._

_"I used to dream of coming to the Blackmarsh, setting things right," Nathaniel continued. "I imagine the Orlesian usurper brought in the Baroness to replace the local Banns. Taking her down and restoring this place will be something the locals will talk about for decades to come."_

_Anders shook his head. "You should be grateful you weren't with us. Entering the fade, fighting the Baroness… I'd just as soon never even think of it again."_

_"And yet you did it. I doubt you'll get a mention in the tales, though. Our commander will get that honor." There was admiration in Nathaniel's tone, but also a touch of bitterness._

_"Well, she is the one that ultimately killed the Baroness. And the archdemon, a few other dragons, a brood-mother or two? I forget. She sure does seem to be rackin' up the hero points," Anders agreed. "Personally I'll skip the mention, thanks. The less my name gets spread around, the better. Anonymous Grey Warden number two works just fine for me."_

_"Hard to believe I am now a Grey Warden as well," Nathaniel said. "Fighting both darkspawn and demon. Fate is certainly interesting."_

_"And alone in the marshes with an apostate," Anders stated. "Bet you never saw that one coming."_

_Nathaniel laughed. "No, I can't say that I did. Though I'd prefer no one else accompany me on this foolish endeavor."_

_"Visiting an old nightmare set right is foolish?" Anders asked. "Well then count me in for all of your foolishness."_

_Nathaniel stopped walking, studying Anders seriously. "Do you mean that?"_

_Anders frowned. "Uh, mean what?"_

_"You would wish to embark on all my foolishness?"_

_"Well, within reason," Anders replied. "If you were to suggest we run naked through the marsh, for instance, I would have to question your sanity."_

_Nathaniel shook his head. "I used to think you were impossible to talk to. Now you are the only person I can tolerate speaking to. Well, besides Justice. Though he's not really a person, is he, a spirit trapped in a corpse. He's more… I don't know. Not of the norm."_

_"Was there a compliment in there somewhere?" Anders joked._

_"Perhaps," Nathaniel said, continuing to head towards the still-abandoned town. They were silent for a time, until Nathaniel stopped once more in front of what had been the Baroness' fortress. Now, however, it was just an empty building. A few birds fluttered above them, the first signs of life they'd seen since entering the once haunted place._

_"When Delilah told me what Father was doing before his death, I thought she must be mistaken. Or, at least, she didn't know the whole story. I was sure there must have been a reason. But then I think of what the Commander said she saw, the torture and everything in Denerim… I'm starting to believe them. That he was truly just evil… or, at least, became so."_

_"What point is there thinking about that now?" Anders questioned, having heard this from Nathaniel before._

_"I've been so angry, these past few months," Nathaniel said. "I wonder if that's how it started, for him. My entire life I sought his approval, wanted him to be proud. I wanted to be him. Now that thought terrifies me. Perhaps I'm already on the same path."_

_Anders shook his head. "I thought you'd moved beyond these thoughts. I told you before, you are nothing like your father. Not that I knew the man, mind you, but I know you. And I know there's a kind heart that beats in your chest, unlike the blackness that burned in his."_

_Nathaniel sighed. "Some days I am not so sure. But I didn't bring you out here to discuss my existential angst," he stated, expression turning apprehensive. "There was another reason I wanted you to accompany me on this excursion."_

_"Oh? Is this the part where you ask me to run naked through the marshes with you? Because I already told you, that's where I draw the line."_

_"Maker, can't you ever be serious?" Nathaniel asked, exasperated. He hesitated a moment, then suddenly stepped forward, closing the distance between them, and pressed his lips against Anders' own. Anders froze for a moment, stunned, his mind flashing back to the last time he'd been kissed by a man; frenzied, stolen moments in the tower with Karl, adrenaline coursing through his veins at the ever-present danger of discovery. Nathaniel's tongue slipped between Anders' lips, caressing the inside of his mouth as his fingers gently grazed the mage's cheek. The world seemed to slip away, and Anders found himself finally responding, unable to resist that gentle pressure._

_A moment later, or perhaps an hour later, Nathaniel pulled away, his eyes locked intensely onto Anders' own. Anders took a moment to recover his breath, and his wits, before replying. "Um, yes. I mean, I can be. Now," he managed, fumbling over the words._

_Nathaniel looked away, down towards the ground. "I have wanted to do that for a long time," he admitted. "A feeling my father would no doubt disapprove of."_

_Anders brought his hand to Nathaniel's face, lifting his chin to look into his eyes. "And yet you did it anyway," Anders said. "How far are you willing to go to defy his ghost?"_

_Nathaniel offered Anders a rare smile. "As far as you'll let me."_

* * *

"So that was the first time you two were together?" Hawke asked.

Anders nodded. "It was unexpected, obviously, and exciting. I hadn't been with anyone since joining the Wardens. Nathaniel surprised me that day, but it was a welcome surprise. From that moment until the darkspawn invasion, we were inseparable."

"You've never talked about the actual attack," Hawke prompted, curious if he would tell her.

"It's not something I wish to speak of now, either," Anders answered. "Just know that by the end of it, Nathaniel and I had parted ways. That's when I left the Wardens. It was not an easy decision for me, but it was better for him. I knew he was ashamed of his desires; the ghost of his father was never very far away, so I left after the battle before it was too late for either of us."

"And Justice went with you."

"He did," Anders confirmed. "We merged shortly after, with the help of a few apostates I knew. That's when I heard Karl had been moved to Kirkwall. So we came here after, and, well… you know the rest."

"I may know the rest, but I still don't know the complete story," Hawke stated, though she didn't want to push beyond that. "I suppose we all have stories and secrets we don't share, even with the ones we claim to love."

Anders turned to face her. "I_ do_ love you," he said. "We are talking about things that happened a lifetime ago. Before you, before Justice, even. I was another person back then, almost literally. For all these years there has been only you. Certainly you can't question my devotion to you now?"

"I don't," Hawke assured him. "But I do question what will happen when you are finally confronted by that past you've been avoiding." She turned to see the sun had begun to rise. "I suppose I'll have my answer soon."


End file.
